How to Stay Married and Love It! Tools and Resources for Individuals, Couples, Marriage Educators and Counselors

Marriage Skits for Laughter and Learning

produced
by
Nancy Landrum

Am I a Duck or a Chicken?
by Nancy Landrum

“Children are natural mimics who act like their parents . . .
despite every effort to teach them good manners.”
Anonymous

Do you watch the Discovery Channel? Have you seen a program about a phenomenon called "imprinting?" Some birds, as soon as they hatch, believe they are the progeny of whatever living thing they see moving near them. That image is imprinted on the bird’s brain. For example, a duckling may imprint to a mother hen, and forever after, believes itself to be a chicken, trying in all ways to duplicate the behaviors and characteristics of its "mother." This situation precipitates some antics that may look hilarious to us, but must be very baffling to the duckling and, perhaps, annoying to the hen.

Fortunately, in most cases, the image of its own parent is the first one the bird sees, so order is maintained as ducklings learn how to be ducks from their mother duck, and chicks learn how to be chickens from their mother hen.

Most of us experience something similar to imprinting with our parents.Natalie Angier wrote a column for The New York Times titled, "Analysis: Parental Influence." She reviewed research verifying that behaviors that duplicate our parents' are very difficult to change. The eternal debate, of course, is whether those behaviors are passed on to us genetically or because, for so many years, we shared the environment with our parents. The researchers indicate it is a combination of both. However it happens, there are thousands of beliefs, behaviors, attitudes, and communication practices picked up in childhood that we bring into adult relationships.

This is usually a mixed blessing. The things we were the most determined to do differently from our parents insidiously sneak into our actions and our words. It often seems that the harder we try to do something differently, the more tenaciously we practice the behavior. It's as though we are trying to be ourselves, a duck, but the behavior keeps coming through as a chicken. We are grateful, however, when the imprinting, or training, shows up in ways that benefit us—like balancing the check book regularly, just as Mom did, or cleaning the yard tools before putting them away, just as Dad did.

Angier, in her article, states, "...parents could be masters of so-called phenotypic cloning: they impress their ways of doing things so firmly on their offspring that the behaviors, or phenotypes, practically look inherited in their strength," (italics mine) and, ". . . scientists propose that many animals, including humans, transmit features of themselves from one generation to the next, not simply by passing along their chromosomes, but by training their offspring to behave as they do." ¹

Some deliberate training takes place. If we were fortunate, our parents taught us some of the social niceties that make life more graceful. In Western culture, you have it easier if you know how to eat with a fork, say "please" and "thank you," and bathe frequently.

Most training, however, takes place without conscious deliberation. It really doesn't do any good to say, "Do as I say, not as I do." We can't help but duplicate a large portion of what was both demonstrated or done to us, either useful or dysfunctional!

When I was 16 and had just received my driver's license, I was entrusted to drive my mom's new Chevrolet. I turned left in front of an on-coming car and although no one was hurt, the right front fender of her car took a beating. Our town was small, so a friend saw what happened and called my parents. I was so humiliated and sure that I was in big trouble.

While waiting for the adults to do whatever needed doing, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my dad's car pulling up behind me. He walked up to the driver's side, leaned into my open window and quietly asked, “What happened, honey?”

I was braced for anger, but completely undone by his kindness. I burst into tears and poured out my story. His attitude that day told me two essential things: my safety was more important to him than the car and I was still loved when I made a mistake.

Years later, my 16-year old son borrowed my car to attend a school function. Jim and I were also out that evening. When we returned home, the big old station wagon was parked in front with the front bumper dragging on the ground, and one front fender with a gigantic dent in it. My mind immediately went to my experience with my dad. Before we'd even turned off the engine, I said to Jim, "He was able to drive it home, so he must be O.K.”

As soon as he heard us arrive, Peter opened the front door and immediately us, began explaining what happened. His voice, the rigidity of his body posture, the rapidness of his speech telegraphed his anxiety. I couldn't follow what he was saying, but, at that moment, it wasn't important. I put my arms around him and said, "It's O.K. It's just a car. I'm glad you weren't hurt. Take some deep breaths.Calm down and then you can tell us what happened."

Today, Peter has two young children. In the future, if one of them should have a fender-bender, I think I know how Peter will respond.

Jim:

"As Nancy and I began to really examine communication tools, we found many patterns we had clearly cloned from our parents and their relationships to each other. Many worked in our favor, such as our parents' commitment to marriage for life.We both have that very deep commitment to staying married.
Our tenacity helped us to hold on until we could find and apply the help we needed to make our marriage work. Now we are reaping abundant benefits because we stayed and worked hard for our marriage.

"We practiced other behaviors that didn't work for us, though. I found myself doing something I'd known my dad to do . . . avoiding conflict rather than facing it and trying to work it out. Consequently the pressure would build, Nancy's frustration would increase, and one of us would finally 'blow,' doing more damage than if I had just faced the problem when it came up.

"Both of us were excellent at using a tactic our parents had employed: diagnosing what the other one was doing wrong, and instructing him or her in exactly how to fix it! I'm sure you know from your own experience how grateful we each were for the 'help.'"

We observed in ourselves how beneficial and dysfunctional ways of confronting conflict were passed on to us. Our most pressing motivation for learning different ways of communicating was to find a way out of the excruciating pain we were experiencing; but, in addition, we began to realize that we were, in effect, teaching our children how to "do" marriage. If our married children duplicated our communication skills, their children, and their children's children, would experience the same kind of pain that we had. Since we learned some damaging ways of communicating by living with our parents and absorbing their levels of skill, then there was hope that by making our communication and relationship habits healthier, our children and grandchildren would eventually benefit. The possibility that they would have easier and happier relationships as a result of our work increasingly became another powerful motivator.

We are not into parent bashing. We believe that our parents, indeed all parents, ourselves included, do the best job they possibly can with the tools at their disposal. It is helpful, however, to examine the things which we incorporated from our childhood experience and evaluate, not judge, those that work well for us, and those that don't. We do this not for the purpose of blaming others or excusing ourselves, but to understand and take full responsibility for change. Gathering information is an essential first step. It gives us an opportunity to identify the patterns we are playing out. Before we can change something, we must first determine what it is that we want to change. The first step of any journey is knowing where to begin.
Are you uncomfortable evaluating your parents’ communication tools? Perhaps there was an invisible rule in your family called, "Children do not question adults" or "You are disloyal and we will not love you if you find fault with us." All families have dozens of spoken and unspoken rules. ² Perhaps you can identify the "rule" that results in your discomfort with this exercise, and decide now whether it is useful for you to continue obeying that rule.

You may have a belief that if you identify the aspects of your family that you don't want to duplicate, you are being ungrateful for all the benefits you did receive from being in that family. Can you be grateful and desire to improve at the same time? You may believe that by wanting to do anything differently, you are shattering the assumption that your family and your childhood were perfect. Are the memories of perfection more important to protect than creating the relationships and the life you want now? Maybe, as an adult, you can appreciate all that was great about your family and examine and evaluate in order to move forward.

Corner Puzzle Piece #2: Communicate in ways that get the desired result.

“Examining the source of my defective tools
helps me see the consequences of using them.
Realizing that I, too, am passing on my methods of communication,
motivates me to give my children a healthier communication legacy.”

"Baby ducks learn to survive by imitating their mothers.
Learning through imitation is fundamental to many species, including humans.
As we become adults, we have a unique advantage:
we can choose who to imitate.
We can also choose new models to replace the ones we outgrow."
Michael Gelb ³

"Don't worry that children never listen to you;
worry that they are always watching you."
Robert Fulghum ⁴

Survey of Communication History

We suggest you get a pad and pen and jot down your thoughts as you answer these questions:

1. Who provided the most powerful model for relationships during your childhood?
   
2. Are your mother and father still married to each other? Or were they married until one died? How would you characterize their relationship histories?
3. What healthy relationship qualities/habits did you observe between or in each of them that you are duplicating?
4. What negative qualities/habits did you observe in them?Can you identify ways that you are duplicating those?
5. Which defective communication tools (page ****39) did you see demonstrated in your childhood, either between your parents, or from parent to child?
6. Choose one of those identified defective communication tools, write it in the first blank, and complete this statement: "When my parent(s) _____________I felt____________.I also felt ________________ and _____________."
   i.e., "When my parents yelled at each other, I felt anxious. I also felt resentful and torn."
7. Name the person with whom you have or have had the most conflict in your life so far.
8. Identify the defective communication tools you use/used with that person.
9. Are there any similarities between your relationship and the relationship/s experienced by your mom and/or dad?
10. What do you see as the most urgent pattern for you to change in yourself so that you can experience a more satisfying relationship?
11. What small, reasonable step are you willing to take today toward that change?

(Doing this exercise is a great first step. Reading further and being willing to try something new would be a promising next step. Sharing the results of this survey with your spouse and stating your intention to improve would be fantastic.)

Back to Top

How to Stay
Married and
Love It!

by
Nancy Landrum