How to Stay Married and Love It! Tools and Resources for Individuals, Couples, Marriage Educators and Counselors

Marriage Skits for Laughter and Learning

produced
by
Nancy Landrum

Divorce!
by Nancy Landrum

The workshop on which this book is based is conducted by both
Jim and Nancy Landrum; but unless clearly noted,
the book was written by Nancy.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here together to join this
man and this woman in holy matrimony..."
— Opening words to the Landrum's wedding ceremony.

Divorce!  The word shattered the space and hung in the air between us like a red fog.  Even after all the conflict we'd experienced, we were both stunned to silence by the introduction of that possibility.  How could our relationship have come to this?  Why wasn't it enough to love each other?  We'd always heard that love and commitment were all it took to have a great marriage.  We did love each other.  We were very committed to each other and to our marriage.  What was wrong?  We'd both been through so much and were so happy to find each other.  We were in our forties.  Adults.  Why couldn't we resolve the conflicts that were eating away at our love and commitment like a deadly cancer?

Jim:

"I was born in Oklahoma.  As I grew up I learned how a man is supposed to act by observing the men in my life.  By their actions, my dad, uncles, grandfathers, and male friends all showed me that real men don't talk about their feelings.  If a man gets angry, he just clams up.  If he gets his feelings hurt, he doesn't let anyone know.  If his wife wants to talk about her feelings, he doesn't pay much attention, because women are too emotional.  When it all gets to be too much, a man explodes verbally or physically, then everything calms down again. Some marriages survive this lack of communication, but there is very little closeness.

“For example, a few years ago, my mother, who is in her 80s now, told me an interesting story about herself and my dad.  They had been married a few months and she thought everything was wonderful . . . in her words, 'hunky dory.'  One morning she burned the toast and my dad exploded about five or six things he had been angry about but hadn't mentioned.  Needless to say, she was devastated.

"In 1957, I married my high school sweetheart, Dixie.  I worked part time in local churches while finishing college.  By 1963 we had two little girls, Teri and Karen.  I was awarded my Master's Degree in Church Music from the seminary and began working full time as a Minister of Music.  In 1966, when Dixie was only 27 years old, she became very ill with pancreatitis.  After 13 weeks in the hospital, she returned home but her health remained fragile."

"In 1969 our family moved to California.  Dixie continued to be ill occasionally, each event threatening her life and requiring hospitalization and often surgeries.  We learned that one of the things that triggered her illness was emotional upset.  I avoided conflict with her by sweeping any issues under the rug.  In fact, my motto was, 'Peace at any price!'  The circumstances reinforced my pattern of not talking about my feelings and leaving conflict unresolved.

"In 1979 Dixie died, leaving me with two teenage girls, Teri and Karen, and our 7-year-old son, Jimmy."

I was born and reared in a small farming community in Southern California.  My parents were very active in our church and they, my three sisters, and I were there whenever the doors were open.  They loved God and were wonderful models of integrity and generosity, but there were also patterns of chronic conflict.  Soon after high school, I married a man who I was sure would make me happy forever.  Within six months I realized we were developing the very relationship struggles that I had been determined to avoid.  I didn't know how to do things any differently!  We worked very hard at our relationship and eventually felt ready to have our first son, Steven.  Eighteen months later a second son, Peter, followed.  In 1968 my husband left home to pitch in a softball game and dropped dead from a previously undiagnosed heart problem.  I was 23 years old.  I didn’t have the inner resources to handle this trauma.  It took several years to even begin to recover.

I wanted to remarry, but considering the future of myself and two little boys made me very choosy!   Twelve years passed as I sat through many Little League games, enjoyed camping with extended family, and began to develop my love of teaching with the young people of my church.  As the boys approached middle-school age, I decided the teen years were a terrible time to complicate their lives with the changes a marriage would bring.  I felt a surge of strength and confidence, and so turned my attention to starting a small business.
In the Fall of 1980, I met Jim through a mutual friend.  We began dating casually and became good friends.  My determination to postpone remarriage until the boys were grown gradually dissipated as we fell in love. Our many friends and family members celebrated our wedding with us in the Spring of 1981.   We had each survived the loss of a spouse, were responsible, caring persons, and were sure that we were due for some better times.  We had no doubt that we were meant to be together.  We were soul mates!  We blissfully left for a two-week honeymoon.

Teri had married the previous summer, so there were four children waiting for us at home, Karen, (17) Steven, (14) Peter, (13) and Jimmy (8.)  The day we returned from our honeymoon, the conflicts began.  We had very different styles of parenting.  We couldn't agree, and the children did what all children are born knowing how to do, divide and conquer!  At first it was easy to kiss and make up, but the same old issues erupted repeatedly to hammer the bruised places in each of us. Every recurrence made our pain deeper and we became more sensitive.  After a few years, we saw the areas of safety between us shrinking as the areas of conflict expanded.  It became impossible to share the same space peacefully.  Each of us secretly feared our marriage had been a terrible mistake.  The decision was made to live in separate households until all the children were on their own.  That arrangement wasn’t much fun, either. 

In spite of our disenchantment, we didn’t want to give up.  The memory of the bliss we’d experienced in the beginning tantalized us.  Although we knew the unique stage of honeymoon-euphoria never lasts forever, we wanted to rekindle and learn how to maintain the quality of soul-mate-love we had believed would characterize our marriage.

Finally, we seriously began to seek help.

Jim:

"Times have changed, but when I first entered the ministry, it was the kiss of death to your career to admit you had marital, financial, or any other problems.  Besides, I was convinced that Nancy was the real problem, not me.  Although she had been seeing a counselor on her own for a few years, it took the stunning realization that our marriage might not make it, before I was willing to get help.  Together we saw several counselors, (finally settled into working with one) read books, listened to tapes, and attended seminars.  We prayed desperately, asking God for help."

Our patterns had driven us to such extremes that we found it difficult to implement most of the material we read or heard.   Our response to a general instruction such as "Always treat each other with respect," or "Never go to bed angry," was, "HOW?"  We agonized with the frustration of trying to put together the puzzle of a happy marriage while it was obvious we were missing some important pieces.

During those years I remember thinking often that there are such clear laws that govern the physical world . . . nothing can be more dependable than gravity, for instance.    By cooperating with the law of gravity, I can remain safe—I can refuse to jump off a roof, for example.  If I try to defy gravity, I can count on a painful consequence.  I believe the universe is orderly.  So, could there also be laws dictating the success or failure of relationships?  If I knew what they were, I would do my best to live in cooperation with them in order to avoid the painful consequences of defying them.

We began an intensive search to find the relationship rules we were inadvertently breaking—the missing pieces to the puzzle.  Over a period of about five years, we gradually collected and implemented specific doable communication tools that helped us resolve our conflicts.  We discovered other pieces, as well.  Soon the puzzle of “How to Stay Married & Love It!” was solved.

Today the love and respect Jim and I have for each other are deeper than ever before.  The security and pleasure we experience together is more than we ever dreamed we would have.  Our relationship models the term, “SoulMates.”  The combination and capitalization of these words is not a mistake.  We use this customized term to describe the elevated quality of relationship that is experienced when a couple is willing to work at building a SoulMate relationship rather than believing it is a fluke of fate.

Our family is also healing. Every time we gather, we celebrate the bonds of love that have been forged.  So far, we have welcomed into our circle two fine sons-in-law, a lovely daughter-in-law and six wonderful grandchildren.  We are so grateful that our choices led to the sharing of this precious, expanding family.  Looking back, it is frightening to think that we nearly forfeited the rich life we now enjoy. 

While we were learning in the laboratory of our own marriage, professional researchers were coming to the same conclusions as we had.  Diane Sollee is the director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, a clearinghouse for all the latest marriage research and education programs.  She said,  “Marriage is skill-based.  Like football.  The way we have it set up now a couple gets married, and we send them out there to win based on ‘love and commitment.’  That’s like asking a football team to win on team spirit—‘for the Gipper’—but not letting them learn any plays or signals.  No skills at all—just win on love.  The basis for smart marriage is exciting new research that finds that what is different about the marriages that make it—that go the distance and stay happy—are behaviors or skills.  And even more exciting, they are simple skills that any fool can learn.”  She added, “Love is not an absolute, a truth, or a limited substance—that you’re in it or out of it.  It’s a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other.  If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.” ¹

If your marriage is in eminent jeopardy, get help.  Find a skills-based marriage class in your area and enroll immediately.  (A national registry of marriage education classes is available at www.smartmarriages.com.  Some classes are held weekly. Others combine learning with a weekend away from home or even a romantic cruise.)   Statistically, these classes have been found to be more effective than traditional therapy.  The classes provide support and accountability for making the changes needed when a marriage is on the edge. As a bonus, a class with other struggling couples is, for some, less threatening to attend than walking into a therapist’s office—a fact that often makes the difference between getting help or waiting until it’s too late.   If your spouse is not willing to go, then go by yourself.  The relationship changes even when only one is willing to change. ²

If you cannot attend a class, interview several therapists.  Make it clear that the first appointment is for an interview and you don’t expect to pay.  Ask these questions:  Have you had training specific to working with marriage issues?  When? With whom?  (Check to see if the organization is registered at www.smartmarriages.com.) Will you tell me something about your own marriage?  If I (we) came to see you, what would be your approach?  What percentage of your clients are couples?  What percentage of your former clients would you estimate were significantly helped and have gone on to experience a great marriage?

These questions will help you sense: (1) if the therapist has been able to establish a successful marriage of his or her own, (2) has been interested enough in couple dynamics to take extra training in marriage skills, (3) is skills-based in approach rather than traditional therapy based on analysis, and (4) whether or not the therapist has confidence in his or her marriage counseling skills.

We suggest that you ask God for help.  The act of acknowledging that you need help from a source wiser than yourself opens the door to synchronous and sometimes miraculous aid.  And keep on asking. Expect surprises!
In this book, we’ll share the four essential elements for building and maintaining not just a tolerable marriage, but one of SoulMate quality.  Looking back, Jim and I see these four elements and the skills that express them as the critical pieces that enabled us to pull our marriage back from the brink of divorce.  They are the foundation that supports the great marriage we now enjoy.  These are:  (1) accept your partner’s points of view as valid, (2) use communication and conflict resolution skills that get the desired result, (3) always treat yourself and your spouse with respect and (4) be fully committed to this partnership for life.  Just as solving a complicated puzzle is easier once the four corners are in place, these four elements and the skills that demonstrate them are the ones you need in place first.   One or more chapters are dedicated to each of these corner puzzle pieces and specific skills are taught to infuse these elements into yourself and your marriage. 

Completing the rest of the SoulMate puzzle is easy once these four are in place.  Even if your marriage is not in jeopardy these corner pieces are still the “frame” of any well-functioning marriage and must be consistently demonstrated before a SoulMate marriage can be assured.  If your relationship is relatively stable use this book as a checklist to identify anything that could use improvement.

In the next volume, How to Stay Married & Love It Even More! we define the other six pieces that complete the puzzle of a SoulMate marriage.  Those six elements took our marriage from “communicating, able to successfully resolve conflict, no danger of divorce,” to “deeply in love, treasuring emotional and physical intimacy, grateful for each day together—SoulMates.”

It isn’t that we exclusively worked on the first four puzzle pieces, mastered them, and then moved on to puzzle pieces #6-#10.  Life just isn’t that neat.  Although we were integrating many concepts and skills somewhat simultaneously, the ones we had to work the hardest to establish and that made the biggest difference in the beginning were Puzzle Pieces #1-#4.  Also, if we had tried to put all ten pieces into one book it would have been too heavy to enjoy reading in bed, (something I love to do) and too intimidating to take from the bookstore shelf.  Therefore, the most essential parts are in this book followed by the balance of the puzzle in the next volume. ³ 

The laws that dictate the success or failure of a marriage are no longer invisible.  Like gravity, they are now understood, documented, and so clear that anyone can choose from a menu of behaviors that determine what degree of suffering or love one experiences in one’s marriage.  The pieces are all here.  You can solve your own puzzle of How to Stay Married & Love It! by beginning with the four essential corners.
Before you begin, however, take time to read Chapter 2 about what is missing in the old formula for a successful marriage—“What Our Parents Didn’t Know . . .”

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has
genius, power, and magic in it.  Begin it now.”
Goethe ⁴
"If you want better insight and discernment,
and are searching for them as you would for lost money or hidden treasure,
then wisdom will be given you."
Proverbs 2:3-5 ⁵

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How to Stay
Married and
Love It!

by
Nancy Landrum